Meals of Epicness: The Tag Team Competition

The Fabled "Dollar Menu"

           Ladies and gentlemen, hello and welcome to “The Large, Cheap Meal of Epicness.” I am Larry McKnight and this is AESA. In today’s meal, Phil and Dan will be taking on the Dollar Menu Challenge. These two young bloods, known as “The Whispers,” have been competing for a few years now and have risen in popularity after their victory at Chipotle-fest last month. A victory today would make them the number one contender for the Tag Team Champions for the league. Now let’s get to the action.

           
            The meal is being laid on the table as we speak. Here is what the tag team duo will be taking on. Phil will be eating an apple pie, two chicken McNuggets, a McDouble, a small soft drink, half of a small fries, a side salad with ranch dressing, and a hot fudge sundae with peanuts. His partner, Dan, will need to take on a McChicken, two chicken McNuggets, an apple pie, a coffee, a half of a small fries, and a parfait. This is what Phil had to say about today’s meal: “You know Larry, this one will be tough since I ate lunch like an hour ago, but, um, I have faith in our teamwork. We already know our jobs; all we have to do is deliver.” That is one fierce competitor. Now back to the action.

            There is the bell. The competition begins. Both go for the sandwiches and begin working at a swift pace. Dan has a slight difficulty right now since he has no drink, because his coffee is still too hot. As Phil finishes his McDouble he stuffs some fries into his mouth, and he begins to put the ranch dressing on the salad as he chews. What great form! Those kinds of moves takes years to perfect, and he makes it look so easy.

            Dan now is finishing his sandwich and begins to tear through his apple pie. He does a nice job of making sure it is not too hot before proceeding. Back to Phil as he eats his salad. Things are not looking good, the healthy greens are slowing the kid’s pace. Oh, look at Dan! He finished his pie, and he is onto the parfait. Oh, I say, look at the pain on Dan’s face after that bite! He’s a poor lad. Those frozen strawberries are a killer. Even the toughest of mouths fall victim to the biting freeze. Those boys are taking one hell of a beating… What is this? I am just being informed I am not allowed to say “hell” on the air. I apologize to all those young fans of the Meal for defiling your pure, innocent ears. We’ll be back after the break.

           
            We’re back, as Phil and Dan finally overcome those devastating foods. They are both now munching down on some all-white meat chicken McNuggets. Wow! Those two are burning through those chickens. Now they are onto the fries. Those two are just methodically taking down this challenge and in record time. The last challenge they must face is a matter of fire and ice. Dan begins to sip the still hot coffee, and Phil tries to swallow as much ice cream as he can without getting a brain freeze. Ladies and Gentlemen this it is. It is all up for grabs now. These two can only go as far as they want it. Dan is finishing the coffee! He has done it, but Phil is still trucking through his sundae. Holy cow! Phil just turned on the jets; he is eating on a whole new level now. No amount of hot fudge will faze this man. He is burning through that ice cream. There it is! It’s over! Through all the adversity “The Whispers” have done it. They are now the number one contender to be the Tag Team Champions of the Meal of Epicness league. Let’s see what Dan has to say about today’s tremendous victory. “No one should ever have to endure that parfait, but all in all we both feel great.”

            What a victory. Next month “The Whispers” will be taking on the Suicide Six Wings Challenge. This is Larry McKnight and this is AESA signing out.   

            -Larry McKnight

Diggin' Holes: Professional Shoveling

Team Shoveling at its finest.

     Some sports are really strange, some are just epic. There are also some, think why anybody would ever do it? Our next sport is the just that. Yep, it is professional shoveling. Prominent in most of Russia, professional shoveling does not have a large fan base in America. While there are some who compete in parts of Minnesota and Oregon, most people will have to go to Mother Russia to face the real competition.

  

    Now, you probably could guess the rules of this competition. The point is to out-shovel the competitor. Whether it is teams of people or a single shoveler, it is basically just shoveling. However, there are different events within the sport of shoveling.  A basic singles event is to shovel snow to create a pile 5 meters high. It takes strength and endurance to enable a shoveler to get the last scoops of snow on top of the pile.  Snow is not all that is shoveled. The competition that occurs in the summer months of Russia is shoveling dirt. A different set of equipment is needed for this event like a sharper tip on the shovel. The object to this event is to shovel a hole in the ground that is 2 meters wide and 3 meters deep. While this seems simple, the competitor also needs to get themselves out of the hole in order to be considered the victor. This causes shovelers to make stairs of dirt, or become great at climbing. While this event is exciting, most fans prefer the original event.

 

     The influence of this sport transcends shoveling out neighbors. People who have participated in professional shoveling also have started making snow fort competitions. Once a year on November 17^th, people gather in St. Petersburg for the annual Snow Fort Competition. Such forts have been known to mimic other historical forts and castles. The winner of last year’s competition created a replica of Edinburgh Castle.

     Professional Shoveling has been economically fortuitous for the shovel making industry. Not only has it creative a competitive market, but the quality of shovels found in the average hardware store has increased as a result. Russian scientists who were originally in charge of researching nuclear weapons now have concentrated their efforts on creating light, durable, yet sturdy shovels. Many alloys have been discovered from such research. While it did not create the perfect shovel, golf clubs have improved dramatically from this research.

     Now I have had a chance to talk with the chairman of the professional shoveling Ivan Sergeievich. “I think that it [professional shoveling] has come a long way in the past few years due because of modern day technology such as the internet…  It has allowed us to publicize throughout many countries besides Russia. This will hopefully result in the widespread recognition for shoveling.”  In this effort to spread the popularity of the sport to different countries, Sergeievich decided that Russian shovelers will be touring this winter to 15 European countries, Canada, and America. Check it out if to see if they are coming to a city near you. 

-Larry McKnight

Here's Your Hot Dog: Competitive Eating

     As I am a man, I like to eat. I like to eat, and that is manly . Downing hot dogs is as epic as it is manly. For those who are about down hot dogs, I salute you. While it is not as popular as baseball, hot dog eating has been publicized on news channels and even ESPN. Whether it amazes you, or simply appalls you, there is something to be said out of these big league eaters.



Num Num Num...



     The premise of the sport is pretty straightforward, eat more hot dogs than all the rest.  I guess you want to be the best that no one ever was. To eat them is their real test. However, instead of catching little monsters by throwing metal balls at it, you try to eat lots of dogs. Anyways, I digress.

      The sport does not have a single date where it was founded necessarily, because town fairs or gatherings of people like to compete to see who could out-eat the other. I guess they decided it was time to make the sport of eating official. Is it gluttony? Maybe, but it does not stop them.

     While hot dog eating is not the only competitive eating sport, it is one of the most well known. This “big league eating” is actually run by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFCE) which holds many events with big money prizes each year around the world. Only the best “gurgitators” (eaters) can celebrate the glory of victory though.

 This man is ready to put his mouth where his mouth is.

     The most well known gurgitator in recent years is Takeru Kobayashi, who had won the Nathan’s Hot dog Eating Competition for 6 straight years in the early 2000’s. He would be able to pound down hot dog after hot dog with breaking a sweat or his stomach. Although he was eventually defeated, his legacy live on.

     These brave souls put their stomachs on the line to put on a great, yet somewhat disgusting show. They strive to be the best and bet their stomach will outlast the competitor. Are there risks? Yes. Is it worth the glory? Well, ask them…

     -Brooks Hawkins

Extreme Ironing

     What happens when a man has wants to go rock climbing, but needs to have no wrinkles in his clothes? While most might sacrifice the wrinkles for rock climbing, Phil Shaw of England decided to combine both. Thus the advent of extreme ironing began. Extreme ironing definite would be classified as both awesome and epic. I mean, think about it. You are ironing atop a mountain or while skydiving. This sport is the definition of awesome and epic.

Ironing with a good view

     You may be asking yourself, “How do I do this so called extreme ironing?” Well, it is so simple even a squirrel can do it (despite the fact that squirrels do not like ironing and do not care if their shirts have wrinkles). First, find any conventional, or unconventional, outdoor activity. Then, bring your board and an iron and get to ironing.

     Want to take the canoe out on the lake? Want to hitchhike along the highway? Boom! Great opportunities to iron. Not only are you participating in an extreme sport, you are making sure your clothes are suitable for work the next day. You are killing two birds with one stone (which is another sport that will be featured at a later date).

Gets to watch underwater basket weaving while ironing.

     This is only the beginning. With a sport such as extreme ironing, not even the sky is the limit. Although the sport is less than two decades old, it has been showcased on various news segments for the sheer epicness and audacity of the extreme ironers. AESA will surely deliver more news as time goes on for extreme ironing.

-Brooks Hawkins

Underwater Basket Weaving

     In the 1965 off the coast of Nantucket, MA, Samuel Cochrane founded the sport of underwater basket weaving. Allegedly, he was sailing on his boat when his wife in a fit of rage (for his infidelity) hurled a basket that she was weaving towards her unsuspecting husband. The force of the basket knocked Cochrane off the boat. Probably concussed at the time, he decided to make a competition out of it by forcing the neighborhood children play (Samuel and Catherine divorced several months later).

    Although basket weaving is not something new as baskets have been around for years before, only now is it an official sport. While the sport of underwater basket weaving has not received widespread recognition sport, it has developed a solid fan base in the northeastern states, especially Maine. With the treat of drowning and pressure not to weave a poor-looking basket, it is a physically and mentally demanding sport.

     For those who are not familiar with the official rules of underwater basket weaving, here is a brief synopsis. A weaver is to make a basket underwater, the design chosen by the referee ahead of time, without any breathing support instruments. The winner is whoever is able to produce a satisfactory basket in the shortest amount of time. The weaver may surface for air, but the amount of time above water is tripled, and this amount is then added onto the final time as a penalty.

     In recent years, underwater doubles has become popular with two contestants weaving a basket together. The emergence of doubles has allowed underwater basket weaving to become a team sport. Teams in various cities have emerged forming the American Underwater Basket Weaving League (AUBWL). The top teams in recent years are the Bangor Basketeers and the Providence Wickers, who have competed in the finals against each other for the past three years.

     A team consists of one doubles team, a minor weaver, and a major weaver. A minor weaver creates a small basket usually the size of a softball. This kind of competition is faster and very intense to watch. On the contrary, a major weaver makes a larger basket. They need strong lungs because they need the endurance to last the entire competition. As training methods for the sport have improved, so has the regulation for what is considered a “satisfactory” basket. A weaver needs to be really skilled in basketry nowadays to be successful.

     Underwater basket weaving is still not a very popular sport in most parts of America, but it has begun to spread its influence southward over time. It is not a varsity sport in colleges yet, but unofficial clubs have emerged in some of the premier universities in the northeast. Hopefully, the sport will garner publicity and give the weavers some of the respect they deserve for competing in one of the most technical sports to date.  

-Larry McKnight

Welcom to the Awesome and Epic Sports Association

     Welcome to the Awesome and Epic Sports Association (AESA). We at AESA have the firm belief that all sports deserve the recognition that other more publicized sports receive. We will search the globe to report anything that might remotely be considered a sport. With various economies in the world in shambles, people need a way to relieve the stress and anxiety of everyday life. Sports are a great way to relieve stress no matter how unconventional it seems. For this righteous cause, AESA wishes to inform the world about all the awesome and epic sports out there.